I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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