I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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