hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
