i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
