My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
