This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
