She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Randomize