soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
