The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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