why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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