she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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