I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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