How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
When did angry sex become our thing?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
