whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
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