She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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