I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
