Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
