Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize