I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
