What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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