I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
