Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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