Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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