Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
