the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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