When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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