Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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