The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
