i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
