My underwear smells like fireworks.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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