If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Randomize
