the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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