mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
