i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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