when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
