you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
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