This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
