Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
