yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize