a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
