Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
this boner is exhausting
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
