whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
