you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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