the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
