Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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