I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize