i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
