i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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