Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
