Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
