Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
