6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
