I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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