Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
