theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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