There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
