There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
