Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
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