My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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