see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
