I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
