She is in my trunk
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
