I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize