The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
